J Rock Funny Farm
by Satchi Claus
Summary: What would happen if Hyde was the owner of a mental institute and Gackt was his nurse? What kind of nutjobs would be locked up inside? Why would they be there?


**Note: **_Unfortunately, I do not own the characters in this story. It would be quite a wonderful surprise if I DID, though. -laughs- Anyway, this is a story me and the ever wonderful Kei-Chan came up with at 1:30 in the morning. Its what we thought would be a hilarious thing to happen to our beloved J rockers. Read on and enjoy, my friends._

The J Rock Funny Farm

"Good morning, friends of the J rock funny farm! That means _rise and shine_, sleepyheads. Our _beloved_ Nurse Camui will be around _shortly_ to take care of you this morning so we can start our daily sessions!" Hyde's voice rang out over the intercom with an eerie cheerfulness.

Hyde was in charge of one of the _most_ well-known insane asylums around. Here, he housed the _wackiest_ of _all_ weirdos: the J rockers. Hyde walked over to the bathroom door in his office and knocked.

"Gackt, come _out_! Its time to make your morning rounds!" Hyde called out in a sing-song voice.

"I am _not_ wearing this _out there_, Haido! This was _not_ part of my job description!" Gackt's voice sounded muffled through the door.

"Shall I just release them _all_, mistaking them for _sane_ and risking your fall from J rock God?" Hyde asked with mock innocence.

The door opened and out stepped a _very_ grudging Gackt. The white nurse cap on his head accented his girlish face, and the white nurse dress was _quite_ fitting for him. He half-wobbled out and nearly tripped due to the inch-tall white heels on his feet. Even thought Gackt towered over Hyde, the smaller man held more power over him. Hyde handed Gackt a clipboard with five names on it. Of the _multitude_ of patients here, why had Hyde _only_ given Gackt _five_? Once he looked at the names, he groaned and understood _why_. They were the _worst_ to deal with. He headed down to the first: a man named Hizaki, who had once been the guitarist for Versailles.

Gackt walked into Hizaki's room and found the poor man staring into a mirror, stroking his hair. Long curly blonde hair fell past his shoulders and spilled over the front of a Victorian style red and white dress. Black lace gloves covered delicate fingers. Hizaki saw Gackt in the mirror and a smile curved on his lips. He turned and curtsied, but Gackt quickly pulled him up straight.

"How are we this morning, Hizaki-kun? Do we feel a little _masculine_ today?" Gackt asked softly.

"_Masculine_? Oh, _heavens_ no! Why _that_ would be _quite_ unladylike!" Hizaki responded in a feather-light voice.

Gackt jotted down a few notes, then patted Hizaki on the back and walked out, shaking his head. The poor man had gotten _so_ used to his band outfit that he _actually_ believed he was a woman. He looked at the list. _Next_ was Jasmine You, previously a _bassist_ for Versailles. Gackt opened the door to the dark, windowless room and flicked on the light. A hiss sounded as Jasmine dove under his blankets. Gackt looked around. Jasmine's black and purple dress was hung up near the bed. Straightened dark brown hair seeped out from under the covers.

Carefully, Gackt walked over and yanked aside the blankets, revealing Jasmine cradling his bass in his arms like a lover. He was caressing the bridge and kissing the neck. When the light hit him, he held the bass over his head, hissing.

"Jasmine, you can't _possibly_ be a vampire. You haven't burst into _flames_, have you?" Gackt attempted as he pulled the bass guitar away and held it out of reach.

"_Gackt!_ Give. Her. _Back._" Jasmine whined, reaching out like an infant.

Gackt flicked the light off but stood in the beam of light coming in from the open door. Jasmine let out an _all_-too-human growl. Gackt heard him shift uncomfortably on the bed. He stepped out of the room _completely,_ still holding Jasmine's precious bass by the neck.

"I _swear_, if _you_ hurt her, I'll have _your blood_ as an appetizer and feed your _drained corpse_ to my cat!******" Jasmine cried out.

"One: you _don't have_ a cat. Two: you _know _the penalty for a threat. You'll get _her_ back in a week." Gackt said irritably before leaving the room and sending the bass off to the confiscation room.

Gackt checked the next name and shuddered. It was time to visit..._Reita_. At one point an amazing bassist for The GazettE, he was sent here after a live when his nose wrap came off and he started screaming something about aliens. Gackt opened the door, prepared to give Reita a friendly greeting but stopped in his tracks. The room looked empty and the blanket was torn to pieces. Gackt was _about_ to turn and alert Hyde of the escapee when a movement in the corner near the bed caught his attention.

"Good morning, Rei. Why are you crouched in the corner?" Gackt asked as he walked over and placed a hand on the blonde's shoulder.

"Those..._damn_ aliens, Gackt. They tried eating my finger in the middle of the night." He said as he turned to look at the male nurse, revealing his makeshift nose band.  
Gackt hid a laugh under a cough at the image of the bassist waking up and freaking out because his finger was in his nose. After regaining control of himself, he cleared his throat and helped Reita to his feet. Reita wouldn't look him in the eyes, so Gackt sighed softly.

"You _don't_ believe me. You think I'm _crazy._" He muttered.

"No I don't, Rei. I _promise_. Now will you let me see them?" Gackt lied smoothly, reaching for the nose band.

"No! You're putting yourself in _danger_, Gackt! They're _flesh_-eaters! You...You _can't_-"

Gackt pulled the nose band down and Reita gave a fearful squeak, squeezing his eyes shut. Gackt examined Reita's nose. Reita peeked out of one eye and Gackt smiled. He kissed the tip of Reita's nose and stepped back.

"No aliens today. We're _all_ safe for now." He said softly before walking out.

As he checked the next names, Gackt audibly whined in displeasure. Miyavi _and_ Maya. Originally, Maya had been sent here when he quit being Miyavi's guitarist. Apparently, Miyavi had become _so_ weird that Maya had a mental breakdown any time he so much as _saw_ a weirdo. So, he tried starting his _own_ band, LM.C. However, _his_ guitarist, Aiji, started getting weird. So, Maya willingly checked himself in at the mental ward in hopes of _avoiding_ weirdos.

"Wrong place for _you_, friend." Gackt muttered as he thought about it.

No one _really_ knew why _Miyavi_ was here. No one was sure they _wanted_ to know, either. He was sent tranquilized and in a straight jacket. Hyde had been given _one_ warning: _do not_, under _any_ circumstances, give Miyavi _sugar. _Unfortunately for _Maya_, the safe padded room he'd requested was the _only_ one they had. So he had to _share_ it...with Miyavi.

The moment Gackt opened the door, Miyavi nearly squealed in delight and attempted to tackle-hug Gackt while in said straight jacket. Gackt, still unsteady in his heels, was toppled over backwards. Miyavi lay on top of him, giggling like a madman. A _very _frazzled looking Maya pushed Miyavi aside and helped Gackt up. Maya's bloodshot eyes locked with Gackt's.

"He was chasing me..._all_..._night_...When he _finally_ fell asleep, I was too _paranoid_ to sleep." Maya mumbled. "Is there _any_ other room open?"

"Iie, Maya-kun. I'm afraid you're _still_ stuck in here." Gackt responded, then turned to Miyavi. "Good morning, Miyavi. How are you?"

"Quite lovely, Gakuto. Will you let me out of this today? I'll be _good_."

Gackt looked at Miyavi, contemplating it. Miyavi _had_ been making _some_ improvements back to normalcy. He was doing better than _most_ patients. Maya stared at Gackt in horror. His eyes widened and he whimpered.

"No!!! _Gackt_, don't let him _out_! You can't trust _him_! He'll try to _rape_ me, I _swear_ it!" Maya howled, clinging to Gackt's leg.

Miyavi's eyes glittered with mischief and Gackt saw the error he _almost_ made. He sighed and patted Maya's head, but Maya tightened his grip on the nurse's leg. Gackt had to _pry_ the grown man off of him. He apologized to Miyavi and told him he was _still_ not getting out of that thing. As he left the room, Miyavi began chasing the terrified Maya once more.

Gackt sighed and began his journey back to Hyde's office where he would give his report: _no_ improvements on _anyone._ Gackt passed a mirror and did a slight backtrack. He looked at his reflection and smiled. The outfit _did_ see to suit him. In fact, he thought he made a _damn_ fine nurse. Maybe _next_ he'd try a _maid's_ outfit.

"I feel _pretty_...Oh so _pretty_..." Gackt hummed the rest of the tune as he practically _skipped_ back to the office.

**Note: **_******This quote should be credited to Myrbree from psivamp . org She posts up weekly crazy quotes and that is where this one is found. I thought it would be perfect for this fic when Jasmine's "beloved" is taken away.****** Oh, and I hoped you got a laugh out of this. Kei-Chan and I sure did._


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